How Genesis 1 should read.

Chapter 1

1. In the beginning God created Dates.

2. And the date was Monday, September 7th, 4177 BC.

3. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.

4. And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.

5. And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too deep.

6. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.

7. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

8. And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that was that.

9. And God called the dry land "land;" and the water called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.

10. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance.

11. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called Wednesday.

12. And God said, Let the earth bring forth every moving creature, with or without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. But he didst verily also make ring species, just to confuse matters.

13. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all. And verily were ring species made, just to confuse matters.

14. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.

15. And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what it needed; for Competition is My Law. And the species competeth, the cattle and the creeping things; and the dogs ate the brontosauruses and God was pleased. And grass didst verily outrun the velociraptors, and God was pleased.

16. And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused he they to appear old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that hadst been eaten by dogs, and which hadst not survived the Competition, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise.

17. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created radiometric dating, and didst verily set the ratio of radioactive isotopes to make the world appear mightily old.

18. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.

19. And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make apes, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species.

20. So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the apes. And verily didst God create Endogenous Retroviruses and transposons. And placed they he these in Humans and all apes, which resembleth Man not at all.

21. And created He the redundant pseudogenes, such as the Hemoglobin pseudogene, and placed they he in the genome in the exact chromosomal location in all Humans which corresponds to the Apes, even though they resembleth us not at all.

22. And verily didst He break the gene for Vitamin C synthesis, and placed it verily within the genome for Humans, as well as apes which resembleth us not at all. For Scurvy was His will, but only for Humans and Apes and Monkeys, even though they resembleth us not at all.

24. And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years.

25. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.